DOGS OF ANCIENT HISTORY (MORE EGYPTIAN DOGS!)

ANUBIS: THE JACKAL-HEADED GOD OF THE DEAD

     Were the Ancient Egyptians too preoccupied with death?  No silly, they just bought their tickets early so they could get better seats than the rest of us.  They also called upon the services of Anubis, their very own god of the death.  He had a jackal’s head and a human body, but archeologists are not quite sure if he had a tail because it would’ve been covered up by a skirt, as illustrated in hieroglyphic renderings.  Perhaps this was a heavily guarded secret.  Perhaps this is a secret guarded by many humans even today—that they have a wiggly-waggly tails beneath their clothing.  I sure wish I had a tail.  But, back to Anubis.

     Anubis was the Egyptian god associated with mummification and protection of the dead in their journey to the afterlife.  And oh, what a journey it would’ve been—a human and their most loyal companion (well, at least with the head of their most loyal companion) bounding into the Unknown together.  Of course, the Unknown was obviously not unknown to Anubis, as he had treaded upon its course many times before. 

     Now Anubis had one pet peeve: What to do with all the cat mummies!  It is no secret that Ancient Egyptians went absolutely bonkers for the feline species.  It is also no secret that dogs do not like cats.  This predicament presented quite a dilemma for the loving and loyal jackal-god.  Like all dogs, Anibus would begin to back uncontrollably whenever a cat even stepped one paw into the Afterlife.  He just couldn’t help it.  “What is it with all those wretched cat mummies?” Anubis would growl.  Nope, he would simply not let them in. 

     Today it is understood by archeologists that the spirits of deceased cats would either have to check into a different religion upon death or be put on a waiting list for a time when Anibus was to be fired or retired.  The cats finally had their long sought-after victory when Anibus was replaced by Osirus during the Middle Kingdom of Egypt.  By then, the jackal-god was thoroughly enjoying the Afterlife himself and couldn’t have cared less about his predator instincts for cats.  His job was finished…and those scrumptious rawhide bones in the Afterlife are just to die for!

DOGS OF ANCIENT HISTORY (EGYPTIAN DOGS!)

THE RIDDLE OF THE SPHINX

     Several thousand years ago, a traveler (who was really thirsty and weary from traveling) happened upon the Great Sphinx, as he crawled through the unforgiving deserts of Egypt.  The startled traveler was quite shocked to hear a deep, booming voice thundering from the mighty creature as it guarded the pyramids.

     “Get up on your feet,” roared the Sphinx.  “Are you not a being who is cursed to walk the Earth upon two legs?”

     “Huh?”  The traveler was tongue-tied.

     “Get up on your feet, foolish human, and answer me this riddle.”  The Sphinx really meant business!  “If you fail to give me the correct answer, I shall eat you alive like a delicious, little turkey giblet.”  Absolutely terrified by the verbal attack of such a ridiculously large animal, the traveler scuttled to his feet and stood at attention.  “Very good,” observed the Sphinx.  “Now here is my riddle: What wiggles it’s butt in the morning, sleeps in the afternoon, and wiggles it’s butt again in the evening?”

     The traveler panicked.  “How can you expect me to answer such a strange and curious question when I suffer from thirst and exhaustion…and am too petrified for my own life to solve this befuddling puzzle?”

     A gasp of annoyance exited the Sphinx’s enormous mouth.  “Okay, how ‘bout this riddle?  What goes ‘Bark!  Bark! And loves squeaky toys?”

     White with fear, the traveler’s face dripped with cold, salty sweat.  “This is the ‘Before Christ’ Era—B.C.  I do not know what a squeaky toy is!”

     “You repulsive human!” bellowed the Sphinx in a vicious rage.  “Why will you not play my game with me?  I will give you one more chance to save your pitiful life.  All these riddles are so easy and they all have the same answer.  Fine, here is my last riddle or you shall be my supper: What am I?"  The Sphinx wagged his tail.

     A smile of relief appeared upon the traveler’s face.  “Yes, I know that one.  You are a lion, O’ Sphinx.”

     “Noooooo!  Great Dane of Great Danes, how can you humans be so stupid?”  And with that, the powerful Sphinx picked the teeny tiny traveler up in it’s massive jaws and gobbled him up like a tasty, little turkey giblet.

    There will be many who read this story and become perplexed and baffled.  Wasn’t the mighty Sphinx a lion with the head of a Pharaoh and the wings of a great bird?  No, not at all.  It was a large working dog in a fancy costume to appear grand and menacing.  Pictured above is a scientist’s rendering of the Sphinx relaxing during a lunch break in his shift.  By evening, (remember, this was before electricity and outside lighting), he clocked out and went home.  And yes, like all dogs, he wiggled his tail and even his butt at the end of the night.   

DOGS OF PREHISTORY (LESSON #1)

DINOSAURS WERE DOGS!

     Have you ever wondered why the Flintstones had a dog-like dinosaur pet named Dino?  It is because dogs were once dinosaurs.  You see, the Flintstones lived a long, long time ago when dinosaurs and humans interacted.  (This period in history is commonly known among scientists as THE OVERLAPPING ERA.)  This is obvious proof that our current canines were once scaly, cold-blooded creatures.  A few parallels between Dino and today’s dog are his “yipping” or barking behavior, the love of bones, scrambling around the house with little purpose except food or excitement, and the life-bonding companionship with humans.  (And yes, Dino did poop—but never in front of the camera!)

     Scientists presently believe all furry, fluffy animals evolved from water-dwelling critters.  Slowly these ancient critters developed legs, releasing ownership of their slimy fins, to search for food on land.  Well, have you ever heard of a Dogfish or is it any wonder that dogs can swim?  Try throwing a cat in the water and see how it fares.  Not so good, I tell you.  Have you ever noticed the little, loose crinkles that show up by the sides of your dog’s mouth when it smiles or pants?  Those crinkles were once gills!  It is now safe for those with great knowledge and PhDs to speculate that canine beings with gills, scales, and fins evolved into land-dwelling dinosaurs with meat-ripping teeth, toes, and claws.  And the greatest perk of all?  When a Dog-o-saur died, it left huge bones upon the ground—and we all know how much dogs love chewing on bones…especially BIG BONES!  It may sound a bit cannibalistic to us today, but those luscious, meaty bones were a cornucopia for any prehistoric dog beast.

     Now let us take a look at the Ptero-Dog-Tyl.  Yes, as fantastical as it sounds, these special Dog-o-saurs even had wings.  They were not elegant flyers, and often fluttered over-exuberantly into mountaintops and trees, but they could still fly never the less.  Remember, these canines were cold-blooded creatures at this point in time and still laid eggs.  They did not evolve into mammalhood until much, much later.  Many bones from these large, flying canines have been recently unearthed and are coming to a museum near you.  The assembled skeletons of Pterodactyls could be misleading to the public, as they might give the impression that birds came before dogs, but this is not the case at all.  Some Dog-o-saurs evolved into Bird-o-saurs and now scientists are assembling the bones of the earliest flying creatures for all to observe with awe and amazement.  Next time you see your dog showing rapt fascination in a bird, fish or lizard, you can now be assured your furry companion is only remembering it’s prehistoric past.

Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

A: The Dog!!!                

THE DOG PARK

     Once upon a present-day time, there were a bunch of dogs scrambling around a dog park, sniffing at things, pooping, sniffing at things, playing ball, sniffing at things...  These dogs weren't just sniffing anything, they were sniffing countless, untold stinky things--but stinky things that were precious to them.  There was an ice cream cone that had been stepped on with a dirty shoe, but it looked and smelled so delicious.  There was a muddy tennis ball that millions of other dogs had in their mouths containing, the remains of saliva that told millions of dog stories.  There was even poop, in abundance, that dog owners neglected to pick up with a mutt mitt.  Damn them!  Lastly, there was the scent of DOGS: big dogs (the gently giants), little squirmy dogs, wiggly-diggly dogs, fast dogs, slow dogs, intellectual dogs that had just earned their Master's Degree at obedience school, and lovable, dumb dogs that wagged their tails at just about anybody and anything.  Yes, dogs were all over that dog park.  It was a day to play!